Journal

Just had a memorable midweek night at the cinema with Craig and Jason.

Opus presents Ryuichi Sakamato at the piano in the final year of his life. It consists of him playing twenty pieces one after the other and is beautifully shot in black and white by his son, Neo Sora.

I found the film’s style and starkness to be quite unusual at first, but once I got into its rhythm it was very immersive. The music and playing were at times just mesmerising and given the circumstances it was quite moving.

It was great to unexpectedly bump into Liam, too. I might have known this film would be up his strasse!

An amazing time was had by all yesterday as Gillian, Clair and I, Tom and Nessa had lunch at Cail Bruich on Great Western Road. Annoyingly on arrival I had a slightly dodgy stomach so went with a non-alcoholic cocktail to start. Fortunately I didn’t need too long to get up to speed, as by the starter I was happily eating raw fish.

As usual the food was fantastic. Among a range of delights we had langoustine, monkfish and that killer mushroom dish. The wines were pretty special too, although the accompanying origin stories are getting pretty long.

In our excitement Clair and I invited everyone back to ours. There, Nessa gave us a great laugh telling us about seeing her current favourite band Tool umpteen times, and we all shared our musical guilty pleasures – Seal’s Kiss from a Rose from Tom C was an unexpected and memorable inclusion! Mark M was at a loose end and joined us, bringing Jura to give Rudy a playmate, and the merriment went on into the wee hours. Ach well, I’ve been pretty good most of the year so I’m allowing myself this blow-out without the need for a post-mortem!

My nephew Daniel and his girlfriend Helena moved into their new home toward the end of last year. I was overdue a visit and rectified that today.

It was great to see them both and get the tour of their lovely home including back garden! I had to chuckle at the fairly intense metal music on quietly in the background. I don’t think they do laidback sounds – fair play to them!

Now I think about it, their music taste might provide an insight into why they named their dog Satan. And it was great to meet the wee guy! He’s a Kingpin – a miniature Pinscher and King Charles spaniel mix – who’s very affectionate and I was instantly smitten. They’re currently doing some of the same training we’ve done with Rudy to keep him a bit calmer.

I also picked up the (casually dropped-in) news that they are engaged, which is lovely to hear. They’re such a great couple.

I was treated to a lovely bacon roll and cup of tea so needless to say, I’ll be back. But maybe I should invite them to our place next time.

It’s been great to have a change of scenery, a wee bit of sun and some downtime.

I caught up on some listening: Cillian Murphy on Desert Island Discs, Jon Ronson’s Things Fall Apart, Adam Buxton interviewing George Monbiot (I’ve since resolved to buy Monbiot’s book Regenesis) and some excellent Gilles Petersen shows, firstly in interview with Michael Franks and secondly an amazing feature on J Dilla with Pete from BBE. The latter includes a lovely old mixtape from Dilla. I love how he just roughly chopped in the main hooks of tunes in a way that’s low on polish and high on fun.

Also on the headphones were The Smile – both their 6 Music Artists in residence sessions and their new album Wall of Eyes which is great.

My book of choice during the trip was The Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey.

As always, every day I took a long walk along the Paseo Maritimo (the promenade that looks right onto the sea, Gibraltar and Morocco in the distance). With its scenery and mix of walkers, cyclists, dogs and restaurants this walk always makes me feel relaxed and happy. A couple of the days I took a detour to Buena Vida for a tasty breakfast wrap and coffee. There’s a Scottish guy working there – he’s from Shetland if memory serves me rightly.

After my daily walk I enjoyed chilling on the balcony and occasionally even snuck in a wee afternoon glass of vino while listening to some music. Ain’t gonna lie – that is a nice way to relax on your holiday.

When hanging out in the apartment on my own at night I watched The Creator which was fun, a bit of Curb your enthusiasm (final season) and some Shogun.

Food-wise, when on my own I kept it simple with dinners at Venta las Pacos – they do stuff like Supa de Mariano and pepper steak with chips. It’s cheap as chips and full of locals arriving post-work. Cibo is also decent, the Hamberguesa Casera at Asador Nagüeles is banging and there’s a wee joint (name escapes me) near the harbour where I had a cheap but perfect morning coffee and croissant and could just enjoy watching people pass by going about their business.

Once Mark arrived we took a walk into the old town and, during a downpour, decided to try Restaurante El Cortijo. They make it clear from their signage outside that they serve authentic Andalusian food and “no tapas, pizza or pasta!!!”. And it was great. We had monkfish clams with prawns in an almond (almost curry-like) sauce – the owner’s great grandma’s recipe, washed down with beautiful Tempranillo wine. With the weater atrocious we decided to also treat ourselves to dessert: Home made apple cake, and crème brûlée. I’ll be back!

Clair was next to arrive. The three of us paid a visit to the Trocadero for late lunch. We had delicious clams, chicken salad and even curry, with a glass of Marques de Riscal Verdejo which definitely hit the spot. It’s a great place.

On the Sunday three of us visited Kala Kuala Chiringuito in San Pedro for another seafood special – more clams, this time with paella. It was then the long-ish walk home along the Paseo Maratimo where we were merry enough to belt out a Pet Shop Boys medley, taking especial pleasure in saying “Che Guevara and Debussy to a disco beat” in the style of Neil Tennant. We stopped in at Victors beach bar where DJ Luis was playing Kerri Chandler (I could recognise those beats from half a mile off!) and we got talking to him and his Londoner friend (another Laurence). That was a great wee vibe. To finish the night we played pool at That’s Life and did Scotland proud by emerging victorious over our Spanish rivals.

After Mark had left, Clair wanted to scratch her itch for Chinese food and we had a lovely meal at Hong Kong restaurant.

Last thing to mention is that I am gradually learning more Spanish. I’m gonna keep going and see how far I can get. Vamos!

Clair and I just had paid a visit to a relatively new local eatery, The Old Fruit Shop. And it lived up to expectations. Given the date (it’s St Patrick’s Day tomorrow) they were offering The Irishman as a breakfast special so I plumped for that and it was delicious – especially the black pudding. They also do a nice line in coffees (their house coffee is Thomson’s TEAM) and cakes. With bridies, pies and lots of lovely wines and spirits on display too there’s definitely more to explore – maybe in the evening next time. I also loved the location near Linn Park at Snuffmill Bridge, the cosy interior and the friendly service. I’ll be back!

This was an interesting read, recommended by some experienced players at my table tennis club. (The book focuses on tennis but most of it is transferable). This tip came at a good time, as I’m looking to reduce tension from my game.

The author presents the following ideas:

You have two selves. Self 1 is your ego. Self 2 is your body and unconscious brain/memory.

Tension with negative impact comes from trying and overthinking – characteristics of Self 1. Let’s avoid this.

Self 2 is amazing. Let it do its thing without ego interference. Don’t “try hard”.

Observe what’s happening during a game without attributing good or bad, criticism or praise.

Learn to concentrate and still the mind. One method is to focus on the ball, both visually and on sonic rhythm. In between points when those aren’t available, just notice your breathing (without trying to breath differently).

During training or before matches, program self 2. This involves visualising (without verbal instructing) a stroke as I want to play it, then let it happen.

When programming Self 2 you can program for:

• results: (visualise the ball arcing over net and onto other side); or
• form: shadow the stroke inc proper start and finish position. Pause and store the visual. Shut eyes and imagine the visual. Do it again and notice how it feels. Then play but don’t “ask” Self 2 to do it, let it happen. Or
• identity: in training pretend I’m an actor playing the role of, say, Timo Boll. Don’t worry about the ball going out. Just play like them and go for it.

Without ego interference, Self 2 will automatically correct things so that the results match the programming.

It occurred to that I could try this programming for some of the harder techniques such as the reverse pendulum serve.

The writing style of this book felt a bit dated (it was written in the seventies so it’s perhaps understandable). However the ideas are really interesting and I’ve been trying things out in training, with some success so far.

Here are a bunch of great tips and resources for creating charts and graphs, condensed into a 6-minute read.

It’d be interesting to look at the key recommendations in this article and compare our web-based charts at work against them.

My thanks to Vitaly and the Smashing team for this roundup.

This retelling of an incredible story featuring unbelievable examples of human skill, endurance and hope is the best TV programme I’ve watched in years.

Chronicling the story that transfixed the world in 2018 – the daring rescue of 12 boys and their coach from deep inside a flooded cave in northern Thailand. This film shines a light on the high-risk world of cave diving, the astounding courage and compassion of the rescuers and the shared humanity of an international community that united to save the boys.

Growing up, I recall my Dad often used the old Scots phrase mony a mickle maks a muckle and I’ve always loved it. It’s about the value of taking care of the little things because if you keep it up you get something bigger.

It’s true, and here’s a good example. Over the last six months I’ve made lots of small changes to my life and I’m feeling an overall benefit.

Where I started

It’s useful for me to reflect on what was happening in my life last year. Although there was no particular emergency there were a number of lower-level flags.

I’d taken days off work for stress and mental fatigue triggered by aspects of my job. I often became frustrated by work.

I was pretty obsessive – work projects, web trends, supposedly fun hobbies – you name it. My OCD-like symptoms lead to paralysis and were mentally draining.

My life felt disorganised; cluttered and messy.

I suffered bouts of low mood which affected aspects of personal and home life. I felt tired and disconnected.

I was getting my priorities wrong which wasn’t fair on those closest to me.

During and after lockdown, partly as a result of working from home, I’d developed bad habits. I often stayed up late then struggled to get up, with knock-on effects for the rest of my day. I would only just start work on time each day but without having eaten properly. I would dress lazily due to lack of time and organisation.

I was overweight, and probably drinking a little more than I should when socialising.

This collection of issues had snowballed into a general malaise.

It was while on holiday last August with a chance to reflect that I started making changes.

Eating better

Clair told me about scientist and author Tim Spector’s ideas about diet, avoiding harmful blood sugar spikes, and gut health. Until then I’d thought it was relatively healthy to drink a glass of Tropicana every morning, and did so for years. Upon learning the short and long term sugar-related impacts I decided to cut this out completely… and have stuck to it.

I was pleasantly surprised by Tim’s advice that coffee is good for you! So I now have no OJ but two strong black-ish coffees (minus sugar) with breakfast.

Food-wise I now tend to make a breakfast of eggs with seeded toast on days when I’m working from home. I’ll combine that with oily fish like mackerel. Along with my coffee it’s so tasty – I love it! And it really fuels me for the morning ahead. I still sometimes eat granola but have cut back on the amount and the sugary varieties, introducing more nuts, seeds and proper yoghurt.

Action first (thing)

I used to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock every morning – a terrible habit. It made me late which is a bad start to the day. Worse still, appparently the start-stop-start action also plays badly with your brain and your chances of productivity that day.

Listening to Mel Robbins who espouses the “action first” mantra gave me a nudge to exert some control over the impulse and change the bad habit.

Since deciding to stop hitting the snooze button several months back, I’ve got up straight away every single day. I’ve surprised myself!

It’s a small but mighty change, this one, which feels less about alarm clocks and more generally about better self-awareness and decision-making.

And since it gets me up earlier I often have an opportunity for a few press-ups and sit-ups too, helping keep me in better shape.

Self-respect

I realised that although in years gone by I dressed smartly for work, I had drifted into lazier habits. I think it was partly a legacy of the Covid situation and home-working becoming the norm… although also symptomatic of having less energy. I’d do the morning dog walk and stay in the same clothes, or generally just default to a hoody. Dressing like this for work even when working from home didn’t make make me feel particularly good.

I should say that I think people should dress how they like; if they’re comfortable and happy, great. And I like that my employer provides that freedom. But equally I’ve always admired people who dress well. And I know I personally feel happier and more confident when I make an effort.

So I started to better organise and look after my clothes. I retired some old stuff and bought a few new things. I earmarked some work outfits so I’d look more put-together, less thrown-together. I started to choose and lay out clothes the night before work, as a wee courtesy to my future self.

The overall effect is that I feel I’m now showing myself (and the day ahead) a bit more respect.

Taking sleep seriously

In order to have enough pre-work time for a decent dog-walk and to eat well, I needed an earlier start. And to avoid that urge to snooze the alarm I needed to be well rested.

So I started going to bed for 10pm. I stopped taking my phone into the bedroom. I allowed twenty minutes reading time because it helps my brain wind down naturally.

This particular change has been brilliant and really impactful.

I’ll admit that, as a night owl, it’s a tough one to sustain. Recently I’ve noticed a couple of old habits creeping back in, for example messing about on the internet ‘til late, or taking my laptop (rather than my phone) into bed. But I quickly recognised these were happening, that they’re not conducive to a good night’s sleep, and am working on quitting those too.

A happier workspace

In winter 2023, Harry Roberts posted an image of his new workspace. It struck me how lean and clean it looked and how that clutter-free environment must be doing wonders for his state of mind at work. So I made some changes to my own. It didn’t take long and it’s now a small source of joy each home-working day.

Acknowledging mental health and talking about it

By December 2023 I had already started making a few small changes but there was a bigger fish to fry. The ocurrences of low mood, brought on by work-induced stress or anxiety over other apparent issues, were too frequent to ignore. It wasn’t good for me or anyone.

Clair encouraged me to talk to someone. I agreed, which strangely felt like a small win in itself.

In early 2024 I had a short but productive session with a mental health consultant arranged through a work benefit. I didn’t know what to expect, but the consultant allowed me to talk about frustration, mental fatigue and a sense of disconnection. She encouraged me to reflect on what things gave or sapped energy, and to define my values so that I can ensure to do things that support them.

She also recommended that I read Lost Connections and this was really beneficial in helping me understand what was ailing me and how to go about reconnecting.

Taking care

One thing I’m sure does me no favours is a tendency when socialising to have a few drinks too many. It has various downsides but two of the worst are that it would make me pretty sad and that it would sap my energy to do things.

To address this I’ve been shifting my attitude.

When socialising, drinking alcohol shouldn’t be the default. Doing it on 50% of ocassions would be more sensible.

I’ve been normalising drinking non-alcoholic beers (which most venues sell) either all night, at the start or interspersed.

I’ve been planning the night in advance – how and when I’ll get there, when I’ll eat, what time I should leave and how I’ll get home. This really helps avoid the night going off the rails unnecessarily.

I’ve been gently leaning on close friends to help encourage me in the right rather than wrong directions.

This is a hard one. I’ve long used alcohol for dutch courage and old habits die hard. I live in the west of scotland where it’s part of the culture.

But so far, I’ve been doing pretty well. I think the key for me is to be a bit more planned about things when I’m socialising. That tends to trigger the right thoughts and guardrails. It also helps to think about the real social reason why I’m going out, which helps me realise that it’s more than enough and I don’t need more.

Reconnecting with what’s important

I’ve been making more effort to see and keep up with my (large) family.

I’ve been taking every opportunity to catch up with friends.

Let’s be honest – doing this is a pleasure. I’m lucky to have amazing people in my life. But it’s weird how you can lose your way. In my case, I realise that I previously filled up my bandwidth with other stuff. Not only did this suck time and energy, it led to stress and social anxiety.

Seeing friends and family, and hearing all their news, is a tonic.

So far, so good

This year, 2024, has felt really positive so far. I think those small changes have really helped. My state of mind is good and furthermore I feel like I’m generally putting some better vibes out there. I’m gonna do my best to keep this good thing going!

Thanks for reading. I know that some of the issues that affected me (and I’m still working on) affect others too. If you ever want to talk about it, just shout. It’ll probably be good for both of us.

When chatting with a consellor in January about some bouts of low mood and mental fatigue, I described one symptom as a strange sense of disconnection. And while the recent lockdowns during the pandemic were obvious contributors to that, they didn’t feel like the full story.

Reassuringly it seems I’m far from alone in feeling this way, since one of her suggestions was to read Johann Hari’s bestselling book Lost Connections: why you’re depressed and how to find hope.

Hari argues that the primary factors causing depression and anxiety are environmental and societal – not the “chemical imbalance” nor the pill-based solution story we’ve been sold for so long.

Hari frames depression and anxiety as natural reactions to and signifiers of an imbalance caused by unmet human psychological needs. The modern world can be lonely and runs on dubious values. We need community, meaningful values, interaction with the natural world, a sense of worth and being respected, a secure future, and release from any shame resulting from previous mistreatment.

On the whole I really enjoyed this book – well, as much as you can enjoy a book about depression!